This is my first political column of the new year. Last year I started the year with a column making my predictions for the year. That went over so well (not a single death threat!), that I have decided to make it an annual event. I therefore present to you my 2008 political predictions:
Prediction #1: The New England Patriots will not win the Super Bowl. I have $50 riding on this one, so I’d better be right.
Prediction #2: Iraq will continue to stabilize as the people there realize after decades of terror and tyranny that they really can determine their own destiny. The U.S. presence will downsize, and Iraqi military will take over, and the U.S. media will carry a grand total of zero stories about our success there.
Prediction #3: The U.S. media will continue its reputation for getting everything wrong by predicting the wrong winner for every single Democratic and Republican primary in the nation. By mid-summer NBC will announce that Dudley Do-right is a shoo-in for the Republican nomination, and Snidely Whiplash will win on the Democratic side.
Prediction #4: John Edwards will make a strong showing in the polls until, while giving a speech on the tarmac at JFK Airport, a jet engine blast will reveal that his hair is really a toupee.
Prediction #5: Following two straight years of poor hurricane activity predictions, Dr. William Gray, Professor of Atmospheric Science at Colorado State University, will declare, "You know what? We really have no idea what the heck we’re going here." He predicts that whatever he predicts for 2008 will be wrong.
Prediction #6: Internationally known psychic Mistress Elizabeth predicts 11 named storms, five hurricanes, and three major hurricanes for 2008. She is proven 100 percent correct. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) drops Dr. Gray and signs her up for a five-year hurricane-predicting contract.
Prediction #7: Iran will announce to the world that it has developed a nuclear weapon. The following day, Iran will disappear under a strange mushroom-shaped cloud.
Prediction #8: On election day, the networks will declare that the winner of the 2008 presidential election is an elderly Japanese woman living in Osaka.
Prediction #9: Katie Couric will remain the anchor of the CBS Evening News, even though on the evening of December 1, 2008, the Nielsen ratings show that not a single household in the country watched her. Dr. William Gray’s career will be saved when he demonstrates that he predicted this earlier in the year.
Prediction #10: Mike Jensen will hit the lottery, and nobody will ever hear from him again.